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Get Yer Sex Here!

March 29, 2010

Spring, Easter, each a time of renewal…an opportunity to clean out the old and perhaps introduce some new; a chance to renew your spirit. As the ground thaws, bulbs planted in the garden last year begin to grow again.

The birds cavort outside my window, chirping, “Sex! Sex! Get yer sex here!” Nests are being built, leaves are budding and more baby bunnies than I ever thought possible are hopping around the golf course across the street.

Our time with Skiddle is set up so that we alternate weekends and holidays, plus we get her 2 nights a week and 2 full weeks each summer month.  We have her for Easter this year and so we will die some eggs in festive colors and eat some chocolate.  She volunteered to sing at her church for Easter service and she has asked me to come watch her performance, which I am looking forward to, very much.  This girl has the gift of song.  She sounds like a mix between Pink and Duffy and boy, for such a tiny little thing, she sure can belt it out.  So I’ll be attending Easter service for the first time in, oh, twenty? years or so.  I only hope the sky doesn’t split open and rain the fury of hellfire unto the surrounding holy ground as I step foot on it.

So many holidays are centered around religious concepts that it seems hypocritical to celebrate them once you have declared yourself to be agnostic.  But my concept of these holidays has always been the simple side without all the guilt that usually accompanies them.  My childhood holidays weren’t filled with images of a man, abused and dripping blood, hanging from a cross so that I could tell the occasional lie and still be forgiven for it, because really, other than lying what other sins do children really commit?  Easter, for me, was guilt-free and so far Skiddle seems to have escaped the guilt as well.  I hope it stays that way.

We told her, somewhat unceremoniously, about our pregnancy – over brunch at our favorite little dinette on the water near our house. When the weather’s nice, we like to bike or walk over but the cold and rain kept us from that simple pleasure this weekend.

Her response was such a non-response that I can’t help but wonder what storm is headed our way.  We asked if she had any questions and she did not.  When her father asked what she thought about the whole thing, she said she really didn’t care anymore.  I can’t really blame her – we’ve had 5 miscarriages – one of which she took really hard.  We’d waited until we were pretty far along to share that one with her and she was upset that we hadn’t told her sooner in the pregnancy.  So we told her about the next 2 right away and when we lost the first one, she was a little upset…but the next one seemed to barely register.  We decided then to return to our original plan of not telling her until we were pretty sure something good was going to happen in the end.

She met our last surrogate twice and really liked her.  It was during this time that she became very excited over the idea of becoming a big sister.  When it didn’t work out and we had to move on to another surrogate, she seemed to distance herself from the whole process.  Some of this response, I’m sure, is self-protection.  We all have our coping mechanisms.   More of it, I suspect, is because she’s nearly 15 now.  Her concerns are much less “daddy-centric” than they used to be.  Getting her driver’s permit and  attending summer camp alone for 2 weeks away from all parental units are more important to her these days.

The first ultrasound will be sometime the week of 4/5 and we will find out if we got lucky and have twins floating around in there.  When we asked if she wanted to attend any of the ultrasounds she said, “Sure,” but again, it was pretty non-committal.

I think, for now, she’s guarded and probably expects (like I also do to some extent) that this pregnancy, like all the others before, will eventually fail.  If it doesn’t, I think she’ll become more involved.  I hope so at least.  Because she is going to bloom into a pretty awesome big sister if she’s ever given the chance.


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One Comment
  1. I think Skiddle is just being cautious. I know that Mack wouldn’t let herself get excited at all about Mea, until we had our first visit with her. She was too worried that the adoption plan would fall through. When that first visit was over, she was the first one to ask when we would get to see the baby again, and wanted to know when the court date would be for the TPR. I’m sure that Skiddle is secretly excited, but it’s hard for those older siblings to see the hurt and loss in their parents as well.

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