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Hey Giuliana- Eat a Sammich Already!

February 25, 2010

I’m watching the View.

Hang on a second, while I walk off the brain cramp I’m having after writing that sentence.   This one’s serious – I suspect I’ll need professional help.

Anyway, they were responding to this item in the Washington Post that says by age 30 most women have lost 90% of the eggs they were born with.  Guest doctor NYU’s Dr. Jamie Grifo advises us not to worry though because the 30,000 or so eggs that remain at the beginning of your 30s are probably more than enough.

Because it only takes one you see.  One teeny tiny little itty bitty egg to produce a baby.  I’m not sure whether to laugh or cry about that statement.

However, Dr. Grifo pointed out that your body uses about 1,000 eggs every month just to produce that one special little gal who saunters down the tube, batting her eyelashes and casting come hither glances to the arriving sailors (I mean semen).

Now I’m not a math genius or anything but if the average chick only has 30,000 eggs at age 30 and she’s going to need 1,000 a month to ovulate, she has about 30 months to get pregnant. On average.  Something to ponder next time you see some 39 year old celebrity claiming that twins run in the family.

Ok, so the Viewchicks were discussing the Octo-mom, who had 6 children before the famous 8 were born and how up to that point, she was entirely dependent on her parents to support her and her other 6 kids.  Whoopee pointed out the obvious downside to having 14 kids when you can’t even afford to feed yourself.

At which point Elisabeth Hasselback says if “So if you don’t have money you aren’t allowed to have kids?”  Her sly condemnation of Whoopee’s salient point regarding the need to be able to feed and clothe the children you bring into the world is pretty typical of her lalalala view of the world, where apparently everyone should go on out and have all the kids they want regardless of their ability to care for them.

I’d like to know just who it is that she thinks should take on the responsibility for their care.  I guess in her world, someone else will surely step up to feed them, provide health care for them, etc.  Sure, your tax dollars and mine will provide the basics they need to survive…but what about the kind of one on one attention that children need to thrive?

In any case, then they brought Giuliana and Bill Rancic on, whose reality show documents their “struggle” to conceive.

Hey,Guiliana – wanna have a baby? Have a sammich for chrissake..  Make it a reuben or something else full of fat and cheese.  Amenorrhoea occurs when you have less than 10% body fat.  OMG, she just showed an x-ray of her body and pointed out that her uterus was off to one side, claiming that was the reason for her infertility.

Ok, seriously?  As long as your vagina connects at one end to a uterus and at the other end to the cervix and the cervix connects to the (obvious pun) bone, where your uterus rests inside your body is irrelevant. Her doctor told her she needed a colonic to allow it to move back into place and it did.  So suddenly, she’s not going to be “infertile” any more?  How astonishing.  No, really.

Hey wait!  She just admitted that her doctor told her she needed to gain 5 to10 pounds in order to get her ovulation back on track.  She grudgingly admits to having gained 5 lbs and Bill said he’s working on getting her to gain the other 5.

Bitch, please.  How hard is this?  You could gain that in 5 days by following my simple plan:

  1. Stop working out every freaking day.  You already look like a lollipop whose tiny little stick neck needs to be fortified in order to hold your head up.
  2. Have fettucini alfredo for dinner.  Wash it down with 3 pina coladas made with real coconut milk.
  3. Eat a few real eggs for breakfast instead of that eggwhite omelet you are accustomed to having.
  4. Have a glass of full fat milk every day.  Add some chocolate even.  Oh, hang on, make it a chocolate malted milk shake.  Right before bed.  Num num.
  5. Drizzle real carmel on that snackable man you’re married to and lick it off.  Daily.
  6. Here’s my favorite:  bake a pan of brownies with the oil and eggs, not the applesauce substitute.  When cool, cut a 4X4 piece. Slice it like a loaf of bread.  Slather some of your favorite full fat ice cream on the bottom half.  Put the top slice of brownie back on it, cover it all with whipped cream and Hershey’s chocolate syrup.  Top with nuts.  Add a freakin banana if you’re still that .5 lb under weight.  Seriously.

If you still haven’t gained those other 5 lbs, call me and I will personally make your meals for you.  Trust me, if my experience is anything to go by, you’ll be bursting out of those “sample” sized clothes you’re so proud of fitting into in no time.

Good lord, there are so many topics to cover on this subject and I’m out of time.  More tomorrow on this and on Dr. Phil who hosted a surrogate who decided to keep the baby (blood boiling at this point. Want to stick something sharp into my own eye to stop the pain)…


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  1. OMG!! This post was too funny and true. Could we possibly find a way to make a living by fattening up LA women when they want to conceive? Diet plans filled with ice cream, pizza, and chips – otherwise known as my diet during infertility.

    And you mentioned her ‘snackable’ husband Bill who I am totally crushing on since I saw how he handled their IUI cycle – supportive, optimistic, in it fully, now that is SEXY!

    • Patrice – Bill is totally snackable! There are times when Giuliana treats him a little like her puppy dog but his reaction to their cycle was great. Made me like him even more. Plus, he was so cute making bracelets with her nieces on the show when she went out with her girlfriends and drank a little too much.

      Your diet sounds suspiciously like mine. Is that old clock on my bookshelf really a nanny cam after all?

      I just found your Life Medals – I LOVE THEM! My mom died of cancer (and then her mom, who more or less raised me afterward did too). I’m trying to put together a store for step-parents and surrogates, etc – people from non-traditional families but I hate what Fatcow has done with the site so far and have to find someone else to do it for me. I really would love to put a link to your site on it if you’re ok with it.

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