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Her Love Don’t Cost a Thing

January 12, 2010

Oh Jenny, Jenny, Jenny, how you vex us.   Is being from the block so important that you would deny that you owe much of your success to very modern technologies or is it only in fashion that you choose to make such Avant-garde admissions?

Darling, we hear you loud and clear: your children were not the result of IVF, but of good, old-fashioned thumping.

How utterly banal.

It may very well be that you just got lucky.  Who are we to doubt your superfecundity after all?

Rest assured, it is only our lofty position on the Board of Certified IVF Ninjas that permits Smumzie to sneer at such uninspired procreation.  We can’t help but wonder though – is it tradition that kept you from pursuing IVF or could it be that you lack the discipline it requires?

We suppose it’s possible that “traditional family values” may be found in the arms of one’s third husband. On the other hand, Smumzie understands perfectly well how the knowledge that people the world over would realize your husband masturbated into a cup might throw such a traditional gal into a tizzy.

“…I also believe in God and I have a lot of faith in that, so I just felt like you don’t mess with things like that.”

Flattering child.  To think that you feel Smumzie has so much pull that we could circumvent God’s wishes, well, it warms our heart.  It is nice to be recognized as the force of nature that we are though.

Perhaps it is the blithe tone you strike, J to the Lo, whenever the subject is broached, that makes us twitch.  We’ll be the first to admit it might just be that your voice reminds us of a four-year old who’s been sucking on a helium balloon.   However, we feel compelled to note that you sought stardom with a vigor and determination few could match and have to wonder why one with such force of will, such resolve – wouldn’t consider IVF to have a child.  Is it possible that you wanted stardom much more than you wanted children?

If so, fist-bumps to you.  Get on with your bad self, girl.  Rare is the person who can admit that our career was more important than having children – until suddenly it wasn’t.

Perhaps it was simply a matter of timing or the bad luck of divorce.  Having not had the very good fortune to meet our better half until we were 38 ourselves, Smumzie certainly understands the perils of dating in the modern world.  But we can’t help but wonder if just maybe the guilt of having waited to achieve said stardom at the price of your fertile youth might be too overwhelming to admit publicly, especially for a Catholic (for whom guilt is such sweet but entirely private succor).

You must admit, it strains credibility to claim no participation in IVF after having been spotted at several fertility clinics in the three years prior to giving birth to fraternal twins. 1 At 39.

And to be fair it should be noted that “fertility treatment” does not absolutely mean IVF. Drugs, they say, are made in California (or at least Marilyn Manson does) and Clomid is a splendid gateway choice for amateurs.

For the heroic shinobi, who specialize in unorthodox ARTs of war, however, such sophomoric fumblings are hardly worth the time it takes to open the bottle.  Though we’re certain you have people to do that for you.

“Everything I wanted before, I want twice as much now…” you say, Ms. Lopez.  “Being an artist doesn’t start because you’re 21, and it doesn’t end because you’re 51.”  To which Smumzie feels compelled to point out, neither does wanting to become a parent.

Warrior spirit, people.

1 While Smumzie is always dubious of media entertainment as a source, we also recognize the improbability of them all being wrong all the time.  Besides, it’s so much more fun this way.

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